This is going to be a more self-centered post than I'm usually comfortable with, as I dislike intensely talking about myself. As some or many of you know, I am diagnosed as having depressive episodes, and these do affect me and my style of game-play. I hate 'poor me' stuff but like anyone who is depressed, I like sympathy and the feeling that people care. To get a handle on things I will usually start soloing a lot and pretty much cut myself off as I don't want to be feeling like a burden or a downer to the other people I game with.

Selfish, yes I know it's selfish. I don't like making people worry or feel like they have to go out of their way to make sure I'm doing all right since I'm not my usual self. At the same time it is comforting to have that support and I admit to craving it even as I'm trying to avoid it. I cannot speak for anyone else about their situation with depression, bi-polar, or any of the myriad other conditions, physical or psychological that manifest. I can only describe personal observations, personal thoughts and guesses on the matter, and hope that these small things may in some way help others make sense of their own unique situations.

So on to the expose'. In my case the depressive episode seems to build over a few days, I notice a tension, but no real other symptoms. The trigger, and that's the best word I can come to, seems to be a situation that creates a feel of exclusion, either real or imagined. It could be something as small as my cat not wanting me to pick her up. Then the episode hits, and I spiral in fast, usually in an hour or so I'm deep into the episode and everything up to that point quits mattering as it feels so useless to try and work on things as all I can think of is how I will mess things up. The episodes last anywhere from about 4 days to 4-5 months. I'm not sure why some last for so long, but it does seem as I have gotten older, the episodes have lasted longer although they do not seem to increase in frequency.

In my experience, the medications I have been prescribed, phenobarbitol, methylphenidate, fluoxitine, etc, have not so much dispelled the symptoms and the results so much as dampened them to the point of tolerance. And with constant usage, three situations have resulted in diminished effectiveness, chemical tolerance, side-effects, and allergic reaction. It is at this last that I have gone off medication as the side-effects to me are more detrimental than the cause for the medication, and that increased dosages also create increased dangers to my overall health.

The cat's out of the bag now, and something like this always changes a dynamic or a relationship. It can't help but do so. This is perhaps the biggest fear I have. That such a 'confession' will diminish me in some manner in the eyes of my friends, and that close friendships will unravel. That happens anyway, people drift according to their own interests and changes in their lives, or because of a new perspective on someone they thought they knew. That is natural, it happens. Life happens.

Beyond this however, is an apology for not participating with my friends as often as I should. I love getting a chance to play with you all, but please forgive me the times when I feel the need to isolate myself until I can feel like I function without causing any distress.